Middle School (6-8)

High School (9-12)

Supplies:

• Chart paper

• Markers

• Tape

• Copies of Handout 1: Pat’s Statement and Handout 2: Parts of an “I” Statement

• Internet access

Preparation:

• Make enough copies of Handouts 1 and 2 for each student to have one.

• Display each of the following headings for students:

• “’You’ Statements”

• “Emotional Response to ‘You’ Statements”

• “’I’ Statements”

• Display “Where’s Pat Coming From?” and list the following questions:

  • “What does Pat feel?”

  • “What does she consider to be the problem?”

  • “Why is it a problem to her? (Why does she feel the way she does?)”

  • “What will solve the problem? (What does she want from you?)”

• Display the following prompts:

  • “I feel __________”

  • “When you _________”

  • “Because _________”

  • “And I want you to __________”

CASEL Core Competencies:

• Relationship skills

• Responsible decision-making

• Self-awareness

Common Core ELA-Literacy Standards:

• Speaking and listening

NCSS Social Studies Themes:

• Individual development and identity

• Individuals, groups, and institutions

• Self-management

• Social awareness

• Global connections

• Learn what an “I” statement is and how it can be used in conflict transformation.

• Identify actions and emotions connected to using “I” statements.

• Create “I” Statements out of “you” statements.

Give each student a copy of Handout 1. Read Pat’s statement aloud to the class:

“You’re bailing on me AGAIN?” Pat yells. “I knew it. I knew you would do this. Tonight is my final performance, and you’ve been saying for weeks that you would be there, and here you are cancelling. You’re such a flake – I can never trust you to show up when you say you will. All you do is go on and on, saying ‘of course I’ll be there, I want to come,’ but then, when the time comes, you’re never there. Actions speak louder than words, and here you are choosing to ditch me again. Well, just know from now on I’m not inviting you to anything else so you can’t disappoint me again. I’ve had it with you.”

Tell students they have five minutes to respond to the two questions in Handout 1.

Tell students to look at Pat’s statement and share the words or phrases in the statement that would make them react emotionally, if they were Pat’s friend and the word or phrase was being said to them. Chart student responses on the board under “‘You’ Statements.”

Ask: How would these words make you feel? Why? List words and responses under “Emotional Response to ‘You’ Statements.”

Ask: How do you think a teenager might respond to this kind of
statement from Pat? Under “Emotional Response to ‘You’ Statements” on the board, summarize these consequences of “you” statements.

Say: Think about some “you” statements that have been said to
you. Based on your experience, what other characteristics do “you”
statements have?

Say: Let’s look at Pat’s statement as though we are listening to
her say it to someone else. Post the chart paper “Where Pat’s Coming From.” Go through and discuss each question, asking students to share their thoughts on where Pat is coming from.

Distribute a copy of Handout 2 to each student. Post the chart with the “I” statement format or write the prompts on the board. Ask a volunteer to use their responses to the four questions about Pat to fill in the “I” statement on the board.

Say: An “I” statement conveys the same information or message as
a “you” statement, with some very important differences in how the
information is framed. Consider the list of characteristics of a “you”
statement. Based on the “I” statements we just created, what are the
characteristic of an “I” statement? Chart student responses on the board under “I” Statements.”

Say: We said that a typical teenager would probably come right
back at Pat with their own “you” statement. What would be a good “I”
statement to use instead? Let the class brainstorm some “I” statement responses to Pat’s original “you” statements.

Taking Informed Action:

Using the “I” statements format, rewrite the following statements:

• You treat our group like we’re a joke. You blow off meetings or show up late, and then the part of the assignment you’re responsible for writing is awful. I guess you just don’t care about our grade.

• You’re a blabbermouth. Every time I tell you something, you can’t keep your big mouth shut, so I end up hearing you’ve told other people what I just told you. Sure, I didn’t explicitly say, “it’s a secret” – but you can’t respect privacy, so it wouldn’t matter to you even if I did!

• You’re totally unreliable. You never keep your promise to help with the chores, and I end up doing everything.

• You’re always late, no matter how many times I ask you to be on time.

• You’re like a two-year-old – you always want your own way, no matter what other people want.